What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, right?
I've been very quiet these past few weeks because a lot has happened. A lot of sh*t.
My month of october began with me being dumped by my boyfriend. We were supposed to be going to the Efteling (Dutch Disneyland) the next day, but... nope, I was dumped. I did not expect it. We had been together, on and off, for 4 years. I would never be with someone for 4 years, unless he was the love of my life. I had been fighting like a lioness for this relationship for 4 years, because I knew we had something good, something real and passionate, something that made us both happy. He's a difficult guy, scared of commitment. But I accept and love him, just the way he is. I love everything about him. I cannot make someone stay who is too afraid of relationships, no matter how hard I try.. When the threat of committing disappears, I am sure he will miss me and realize what he had.
There's nothing to do about it, but it hurts me every day that I cannot be with the one I am in love with. The only thing left to do is to let him go, because holding onto someone who wants to run away from you never helped anyway. But I'm a good, strong, loyal, smart, kind and loving woman, and I deserve better than that.
Still, it was very hard to face the challenges of october alone. When you are rejected by someone you love, your ego takes a big hit and all your insecurities come to the surface. Am I not good enough? Who are my best friends? Who am I without him in my life? Do I not deserve happiness and love? But on the other hand, just like Mariah Carey sung in her song "Hero": a hero comes along, with the strength to carry on. No matter how cliché it may sound, this is really true. You find your own inner strength and your own sense of self esteem. I'm now doing what I do, for me, and not for anyone else. I am still Charlotte and I will not let this ruin my life and my life goals.
I had to go on. I had to show up to work and to study. A big audition and a big exam and a big surgery were coming. Winter was coming, haha.
I was going to audition for Idols, a tv show. That day was very long.. Me and my mother had to stand in a cue for hours.. Due to my claustrophobia I almost escaped the cue when we were almost inside the building. I get panic attacks when I'm in a crowd and people are getting too close to me.. When we were finally inside I had to wait in another cue for half an hour, and after that, things went pretty fast. I got a number and had to wait in the lounge until my number would be called. I saw a few Dutch tv stars, but I was too nervous to enjoy. Finally, my number was called. I waited in a row with a few other nervous girls. When I went in, my heart was racing. I sang the song, but I was so nervous that it didn't sound as good as it could have. The gentleman told me it wasn't good enough to go through. Strangely, I wasn't really sad.. I was just very relieved it was over and I could go home. And a lot of people didn't go through that day, people who could sing well, so I wasn't surprised. But believe me, I will work on my voice this coming year and I'll get better! Especially now that my tonsils are removed, but we'll get to that part!
The very next day I had my exam on "The Principles and Foundations of International Law". I failed that exam, I think. But I forgive myself, looking at the amount of stress I was under. I will do well on my other tests and it will be fine.
The day after my exam was the day of my surgery. My tonsils were going to be removed. I was very nervous for the general anesthesia and the pain afterwards. I kept telling my parents to wake me up when they would visit me after surgery, because I'm very afraid of being unconscious. My heart was pounding in my chest. In the hospital, I had to wait, with an empty stomach, for two hours before my actual surgery. Finally, I could put my lovely blue hospital dress on and I was given two paracetamol and some kind of valium. After taking this I was in a weird state. I was feeling kind of relaxed, but still with a nervous racing heart.
As I said goodbye to my mother, the nurses took me away in my hospital bed. Totally relaxed, I was smiling at the nurses and the people in the hallway. After that they put a needle in my hand and I got an intravenous drip feed (infuus). Ouch! They say it doesn't hurt, but it does! After waiting for another patient to be done with surgery, I was driven into the surgery room. They asked me to climb on top of the operation table. After a few moments, the anesthesia came through the drip feed. They told me "see you soon!" My head and body became very heavy and numb.. They asked me "do you feel it?" I said "mmhm"! And that's all I, luckily, remember. I had some weird dreams and suddenly woke up, with a few nurses around my bed. Ouch, my throat was feeling sore! Unaware of the time that had passed, I said "My throat is hurting, why is that?" They said "Your surgery is already done". "What?? Really??" I asked incredulous.
My uvula (huig) felt huge and everything hurt like hell. I had trouble swallowing and breathing. I started crying, because I was confused and in pain. The nurse asked me: "Why are you crying? Are you in a lot of pain?" I said yes, and she injected something in my drip feed, which I'm sure was morfine or something close. After 45 minutes of really needing to go to the bathroom, I was finally brought from the recovery room to my hospital room. I was in a hospital room with 3 older men with much more severe problems than me. They were nice people, but in a lot of pain.
That day and night in the hospital was kind of okay. I had very sweet nurses and I was high on the anesthesia and morfine. I just ate ice creams and sipped water all day. I thought that I would soon be able to eat more. How wrong I was.
The next days were pure hell. I was crying from the pain all the time and was in too much pain to eat or drink water. I would eat a little bit of food that went through the blender and I would stop because the pain became unbearable. I took tiny sips of water all day. I lived on paracetamol but it just wasn't enough. I just couldn't eat and was becoming very thin and weak. I lost a lot of weight. I didn't have the energy to walk around the house. I just lay down on the couch or in my bed. My body was in starvation mode and I eventually became too nausious to actually eat. I felt like I would eventually die of hunger if I would go on like that.. That's how weak I felt. I begged my father to ask the doctor for more or different painkillers. The doctor prescribed diclofenac and oh my god, this is such a wonderful medicine. It's like a drug and maybe a little dangerous too. I could only take it for six days. As soon as I took diclofenac, I could finally eat something real. I got some strength back every day. I'm now in the seventh day after surgery. I can have breakfast, lunch and dinner now, when I take my painkillers. But I cannot eat any hard food, like chips and chocolate or toasted bread. Some pasta I can have though.
I didn't expect my recovery to take this long, but it's really going one babystep at a time. Every day I have slightly less pain, but as of now, I still really need my painkillers. I still cannot go to work or talk a lot. It's a very slow process but I hope I will feel a lot better when I'm fully recovered.
I never knew I could long for pizza, fries with mayonnaise, lasagne, spaghetti bolognese, hamburgers, chips and toasted bread this much!!
A weird thing that happened after my surgery is that my sense of taste has changed. I hoped this is only temporarily, because I really hate it. When I eat a little pasta, I only taste the pepper and spices that went into the sauce, and I don't taste the actual tomato sauce and the cheese! I used to love pasta, but now it's a little less tasty. Other things are just to sweet for my throat right now. My throat reacts very strongly to sweet and sour food so I cannot eat much chocolate or cake or fruit. Eggs and cheese have also become less tasty, because the taste is less strong. This sucks and I hope it goes away, because everyone who knows me knows that pasta and cheese are my favorites!
It has been necessary to take rest after the operation and my parents have been very good nurses, but it's kind of boring to watch movies and tv all day and see no friends. I can't wait to get back out there and eat whatever I want with my friends and just socialize.
I have a lot of exciting things to look forward to though. I booked a holiday to Paris on the 11th of November to celebrate my friend's birthday (she lives in Paris) and to also commemorate the 13th of November 2015, the day of the terrorist attacks. I hope I will feel better when I go to Paris. I can't wait to see my beautiful city again and to go out with my friend. I'll probably also be celebrating New Year's in Paris, which I wanted to do last year, but couldn't do due to illness. And in January or February I'm hoping to visit my friend in Australia or New Zealand. I really can't wait! It's going to take a lot of hard work literally but it'll be worth it!
All in all, I'm confident that I will feel a lot better in a couple of weeks and will be doing my best in every way to get back on my feet and do the things I wanna do.
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger!